Blog Day #111 – 21/04/2011

I know the date says the 21st but it is actually the 28th as I write this, and I am doing so out of sheer force. This will be the last…
Dear all cookerdown fans,
I have to stop writing my blog and sharing with you everyday. To some of you this may be considered as a failed task, and I would believe you when you accuse me of it, but I have not failed in all areas. I have gained and learnt a lot through this endeavor and it saddens me not to be continuing on, but it was, it is, a simple matter of time and availability. This long weekend really proved to me that I wasn’t upholding my end of the bargain. I was supposed to post once a day and recently I have pushed the weekends into the week and lied saying I posted them earlier. This long weekend, my blog crossed my mind once and that was this morning when I agreed to myself that I would resign.
Today I thought back to when I was unhappy, when I thought there was nothing left for me, and I was living each day like a repeat of the last, was I even a little happy then? I know that I appreciated life and all the beautiful things about it, but not like I do now. Back then, sadly, if tomorrow had been my last day, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have died feeling satisfied, under the belief that I had experienced enough, all that was destined for me. Now I live for tomorrow knowing that I still have so many wonderful things to experience and share with everyone.
I began this blog with the intention that it would help me learn more about myself, allow me to discover things that I either didn’t know or that I had buried long ago with the girl I once knew. I revisited so many things from my past with the intention that I would be able to get over them and learn to move on. Now I see that sometimes some things are better left forgotten, to simply move on quickly from and not dwell on them, not relive them in order to make things ‘ok’ within yourself. I learnt that I was always ok, I just always thought there was something wrong with me. I learnt that sometimes not everything is within your power or reach, you can’t change the world with one simply action but you can sure try. I still have things to talk about, I could still find memories to share, but my initial purpose of this blog was to fix me. I was broken, and now I feel mended inside.
111 blogs, a fitting number I believe. I had shared 111 moments with you. My blog was viewed 6,982 times. There was 20 comments placed by you. Numerous stories, countless memories, many tears, 33 rules of life, photos, and so much more. It has opened my life as much as I believe it could, it ran its course.
For the first time in a long time I can admit that I am happy. When I could do that I cried. I am sure there are people who can’t accept it, are jealous, resent the kind of love and happiness I have found, well then they are not my friends. I know how it feels to be lonely, know how it feels to think you have been left behind, replaced, erased, but I realised that I was being selfish when I thought those things. I couldn’t expect everyone to have all the time in the world for me. Relationships were not always meant to be easy, they require work and effort, they cause tears but also smiles. I know how that feels though, I spent years feeling that way and I sympathise with the people who believe they are in that situation because I was there for so long. Thinking I would never come out of that hole, here I am on the other side trying to convince people who there IS something better to look forward to. It may take longer for some, you may feel that you are always the one who misses out, always the one who never wins, always loses at the pokies and scratchies and tattslotto, always misses out on the last cookie or last ice-cream in the freezer, always gets left behind because everyone walks faster or runs faster, never fit enough, thin enough, blonde enough, pretty enough, tall enough, never enough. But you are to someone, even if it is just one person, you are to someone, and that someone will literally change your life.

And so I conclude my efforts, my mission, my goal, incomplete but satisfied with where I have come from, how I have grown, what I have found, and why I started in the first place.

Last but definitely not least,




Blog Day #110 – 20/04/2011

This week I have been over emotional. Crying at the drop of a hat for no particular reason over stupid things. I see a puppy, I think it’s cute, I cry. I hear a song I like, it makes me happy, I cry. I get upset about something, I don’t think I’m going to cry funnily enough so I cry. Most awkward moment, buying a coffee and looking for 20 cents, that you know is in the bottom of your bag, to complete your payment and you begin to cry because your hand is finding everything else but that little silver coin, the coffee lady looks at you, sympathy written all over her face as she says “don’t worry about it sweetie, it’s only 20 cents”.
I have no reason to be sad, or upset, depressed or down in the dumps but it just seems to be one of those off weeks when you take everything personally and straight to heart. I swear that 20 cents was hiding on me on purpose just to push my buttons, tip me over the edge, publicly embarrass me and maybe even teach me a lesson. But no matter how many times I told myself hat things just weren’t that bad, I still found myself in tears.
So I ask the question, what’s wrong with me? Am I stressed, concerned, unhappy, anxious, frustrated, bored, or any other emotion that could cause me to feel this way.
Who knows. All I know is that I owe the coffee lady 20 cents next time I buy one.

And my make up has run again:


Blog Day #109 – 19/04/2011

So I admit I am not the cleanest person in the world. I always pride myself on looking good and being well presented but when I come home and get changed, my clothes pretty much stay where I take them off until I wear them again, unless I push them to one side in the hope of finding something else. Recently i have tried to pick up after myself more, but that also backfired when I was looking for my jeans for over 10 minutes until I realized I had hung them up the night before.
I am discussing this now because it has recently been bought to my attention more than usual. Action Man, an extremely tidy person, always picks up after himself, so when I’m around I feel like my mess is taking over. When he is at mine, I find myself apologizing for my uncleanliness.
But I try. Just like what happened with my jeans, occurred with my singlet top. You would think the first place that I would look would be in the draw with all my other singlets right? Wrong. On the floor, in my overnight bag, on my bed, in the washing basket, I was close to losing my mind. I’m not sure what made me open the draw, I think I was getting something out of my pajama draw and I happened to open the wrong one. Well there it was, folded and sitting right on top, waiting to be worn.
I’ll get there one day, I know I will, it might just take a bit of time.

Now I can’t find my bra.


Blog Day #108 – 18/04/2011

Once again I am going through my regular mood swings. I want to write the blog, I don’t what to write the blog, I have something to say, I have nothing to say. When I have nothing to say I out the blog off until the next morning, terrible of me I know but I literally cannot think of a thing to write. The next morning comes around, too quickly mind you, and again I have nothing. Today I will write about the nothing that I have.
Rule #31: if you are going to use fake tan, and I assure you I understand the need being pigmently challenged myself, make are you find one that suits your skin type and tones. Orange is a no, blotchy is a no, streaky a definite no, and bast applied just makes you look like the incompetent oompa-loompa.
Rule #32: when I ask for hot chips, or a hot chocolate or a hot pocket (unlikely but I’m making a point) make sure it is hat it says it is, hot. Enough said…
Rule #33: if you are going to give someone directions you must a) know where they want to go and b) give them the correct ones. Apologies to the Asian couple who I now realize were looking for the library, NOT the treasury, oops.

Just a few more to add to the list


Blog Day #107 – 17/04/2011

Weekends, they go far too fast. I used to think that if you did something on a Friday night then the weekend would seem longer, but that doesn’t even seem to work now. I seem to find more to do but I feel like I’m running out of time. Dinners, lunches, shows, rehearsals, breakfasts, catch ups, sleep, relaxation? Going from minute to minute, second to second, through those two short days that fly. So as Sunday night approaches I try to wind down, thinking of what I’ve achieved over the weekend, if anything, and preparing myself for work the next morning. This night is usually the night I don’t talk a lot, just sit and stare, unsure of what to say, a little blank from the week just passed. I’m sure some of you that know me are thinking of hanging out with me on a Sunday now?
Lucky for me, this Sundays dinner was prepared by Little Bear, so my effort levels were minimal and I just sat there enjoying my amazing spaghetti and meatballs, which she had been slaving away and preparing since 3:30pm, and then migrated to the couch for a spot of mindless TV. Definitely the best end to a week.

“do my balls taste good?” – Little Bear


Blog Day #106 – 16/04/2011

Today I did something I wouldn’t normally do, at least on a regular basis, mostly because I’m lazy (there I admitted it), I went for a walk. Nothing too strenuous or arduous, just a fast paced stroll for about 30mins I would think. In this time, and I do love when his happens, my eyes were opened. Not taking my phone with me, I immediately realized that this was my first mistake. So many beautiful things along my path, I think I would have been out there an extra hour trying to capture every single beautiful image that I saw. Ducks skimming the water, a homeless man enjoying the sun and the spectacular view, my fingers brushing through cotton flowers, birds in the trees. You are probably thinking that I am silly because that is just nature, but when you live in the city, no matter how many walks you go on, you wouldn’t see half of the wonderful things I saw in this one walk.
It was at this point that I realized how people get addicted to exercise. For others is the feeling of strain on their bodies, the sweat and hard work, feeling so physically exhausted but a raging fire on the inside. I understand that but could never really grasp the addiction, maybe because I am lazy. But it was here that I found mine.
Tucked away in all the amazing things I saw was my passion and desire to see them all again. So as I walked in silence, eyes drinking in all the splendor, I thought to myself, I could get used to this, I could do this everyday, I would just have to remember to take my camera.

I love the rich green grass of life…


Blog Day #105 – 15/04/2011

I’ve never been good with surprises. Every time I seem to find out what the surprise is going to be before it happens, then it’s not really a surprise. I think it’s the anticipation that kills me, not knowing, and their are too many variable that i could get wrong, too many mistakes to be made. What if I wore the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, didn’t arrive on time. Which is why I didn’t handle Action Man’s most recent, and spectacular, surprise well at first. I snooped around, attempting to discover if my initial idea of the plan was correct, but also not wanting to ruin it. Finally the night came, I stressed about what to wear, I stressed about how I would look, I left work early to make sure that I had time to try on my outfits of choice at least 6 times, I interchanging all the different variables such as red or black dress, stockings or no stockings, peep toes or patents, silver or black jewelry, lacy or suck-ins. In the end it was no stockings with black dress, silver jewelry, patents shoes and lacy underwear, but that decision took longer than doing my make-up and hair.
In the car, I was told what he surprise would entail, and regardless of the fact that I sort of already new what we were to do, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. Dinner and tickets to a show I had wanted to see in a while. Hairspray. How could I ever think I was deserving enough for such an eventless surprise. The night was wonderful.
It now seems to be an ongoing thing that my partner proves himself to be even more spectacular than I though he originally was. Never ceasing to amaze me, each moment I look at him he gets more wonderful right before my eyes. Tonight, I fell in love all over again.

“I know where I’m going and I know where I’ve been” – Motor Mouth Maybell


Blog Day #104 – 14/04/2011

There are just some days when your alarm goes off and you just lay there, confused, wondering what’s going on, thinking it’s part of your dream, then eventually you roll over, reach out your hand and turn it off, all the time rolling your eyes and wishing it was any other day. A day closer to the weekend, a day that you didn’t have to go to work, a day that you could spend in bed, a day you could have to yourself. You lay there, listening to the rain hitting your windows, drumming on the roof and nothing sounds better to you than the idea of a movie and popcorn.
You drag your sorry arse out of bed and into the shower, constantly cursing the world and wishing you were 7 again when you didn’t have commitments, didn’t have to earn money to live, didn’t have to worry about a thing.
This morning that is exactly what happened. My alarm went off and I lay there, trying to think up a good enough reason to get up or excuse to not. The longer I lay there the more I didn’t want to move. I looked up at the ceiling and thought that the day just wasn’t worth it, and immediately I knew it was just going to be one of those days.
These are the days that I never really switch on, never really wake up, never really get anything done and spend the day staring at my computer screen waiting for emails to come in so that I’ll have something to do. These are the days that I count down the seconds until I go home, crawl into bed and wait until the next day where I hope will be better.

“another turning point a fork stuck in the road” – Green Day


Blog Day #103 – 13/04/2011

It’s such a short life we lead. Such a world now where we must prepare ourselves for loss, heart break, sadness, regret, mistakes, unavoidable events that effect our everyday lives. Recently, I have found, that the older I get the more I seem to be witnessing these horrible things and more than that, I feel like I have had to write a blog like this more than I should ever have to. Tonight I sat down to write something light hearted, something about a funny situation that happened at work, or about something obscure that I saw but after learning news about a family member passing way, how could I laugh about the fact my manager flashed me today intentionally or that is saw a homeless, drunk, Asian guy that was wearing a brand new leather jacket and shoes. Somehow those things just don’t seem important anymore, and so I’m left without words.
It is at times like this that I ask myself, how do I value my life? I am not afraid of death, only afraid of hurting he people I love with my passing. When I was younger I wanted to die, thinking that life was too hard and painful, depressing and heart breaking. Now, although I am not afraid, I am scared of missing out, scared because I have finally found things worth living for and they make my life better, more valuable, scared to lose, scared to fail, scared that I will never again see all the beautiful things I see everyday, my partner, my bed, my friends, the sun shining through clouds, rain on my window, the smell of coffee, grass, garlic, too many things to mention, wind in peoples hair, tears in peoples eyes, love in peoples hearts. I value my life for the fortune I have been given, a loving family, beautiful friends, a wonderful partner, so many life experiences, each one I have struggled through but struggled with their support. Without them, what would life be? Endless days full of meaningless moments, just passing the time and only getting older. With them my life is full, complete, memorable and happy.
How do I value my life? By making each moment count, remembering to smile, remembering to cry, to take deep breaths and just be.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.” – Lester Burnham


Blog Day #102 – 12/04/2011

There have definitely been times in my life where I had given up hope of finding someone that I believed loved me for me. Someone who liked similar things to me but also who appreciated me and everything I do. It’s not that I didn’t think that person existed, I just came to terms with the fact that they didn’t exist for me. I used to joke all the time that I thought I would end up an old cat lady, like those ones you see on that hoarding show, and all my cats would be gay. Part of me actually believed it sometimes. I just figured that if I expected the worst then I couldn’t really be disappointed if I didn’t get the best, if I expected the worst then getting anything was a step up from that. Then I met Action Man and, if you are an avid reader of my blog, you would know that things changed, dreams do come true and they have for me. I try not to talk about him too much but this blog needs to be written so that you have some idea of exactly his fortunate I am.
STORY-TIME: last night, after a hard days work which dragged on, I go in the car and drove through horrendous traffic to Action Man’s. I was spending the night the by default, not only did I want to see him and spend some time together but I needed to do washing. Now I don’t live completely in poverty, I do have a washing machine but Melbourne weather prevents you from having dry clothes in under 48 hours and having not been home much in the past few weeks and being short on time, I was in desperate need of some smalls. So using my partner for his dryer was necessary. As I arrived home, preparing myself for a night of washing, TV, and cooking dinner, I was greeted with a cuddle, a kiss, and a whiskey, all very favorable things. After snooping around in the kitchen for a bit, I was reminded of the task I was there to complete, and I headed to the laundry with my tail between my legs. I opened the door and my mouth at the same time, with the intention of asking instructions on how to operate this front loading contraption (i am poverty stricken enough to have a old top loader) but instead I was left speechless. There, hanging on a coat hanger, were two work shirts, washed, dried and ironed, and neatly placed in a bag was the remainder of the things, washed, dried and folded. I blushed. Never had someone done something as nice as that, aside from my mother, which I was now beginning to appreciate more.
But that isn’t where the story ends. Soon after I was to be treated to a three course meal, which he had spent the day preparing and would be had by candle light. As I sat there, across the table from the love of my life, I began to fully understand what that meant. Love of my life. STORY-TIME 2: last Christmas, my elderly next-door neighbor and I were celebrating with a drink and a chat. Looking at all the rings on her hands I asked her what they meant, hoping for an amazing true love story but not prepared for what I was about to hear. As she went on to explain her eternity ring, mothers engagement and wedding rings and her engagement and weddings rings, she left one beautiful ring unexplained, saving the best till last. She then went on to describe the love of her life and how he will always be the one who holds her heart. This person, however, was not her late husband. Immediately I was captivated. She spoke of how love was depicted in modern war movies, saying that although they will never fully capture those heart stopping emotions, each time she sees one, they all come flooding back. They had known each other for only a few months before he proposed, the day he was called into action, they were engaged for only a few weeks before the men showed up at her door to give her the horrible news, she could stand for only a few moments before her knees gave way and she collapsed into the mens arms with despair, there were in love for a lifetime and all she has to remember him by is one small photo, an engagement ring of saffires and diamonds, said to be the colour of her eyes, and memories of their moments together that are printed on her heart. She moved on because she had to, because if she didn’t she would live a life of despair and unhappiness, and she wouldn’t trade a moment or what she had for anything else but nothing or no-one could compare to the love of her life, her late husband knew that and understood.
And so there I sat, eating a spectacular dinner, occasionally pinching myself to make sure I fully understood how lucky I was, how lucky I am, to have someone that loves me, cherishes me, respects me, does my washing, cooks me dinner, says such wonderful things and gives me hope for a beautiful future. The love of my life.

“love is all that is can give to you” – Nat King Cole